2023 Ole Miss Football Win Totals Prediction
2023 OLE MISS WIN FOOTBALL TOTALS PREDICTION – The Ole Miss Rebels will return to the gridiron in a month. This means two things: 1) I will commence the unhappiest time of my life and 2) I will argue that Ole Miss will go UNDER its wins total for the 2023 season.
While most of the sportsbooks are too chicken to publish win total odds on teams that suck a month before the season begins, our friends at BetMGM have nominally set the win total at 7.5. This is concerning. How can a university with such a rich history of overpaying coaches for underperforming teams possibly lose seven games or less? They can and they will.
The Only Man on the Couch
Many of you will remember my column last year, The Only Man in the Stands, where I attended every Ole Miss home game as a season ticket holder and secretly rooted for the Rebs to lose, so I could cash my UNDER.
I fully intended to repeat my column, to purchase a season ticket in the same seat as last year, and to rumble along with the sinewy Rebs fans of old as we watched Jaxson Dart throw four picks against Georgia Tech.
Unfortunately, I ran out of money and cannot afford a single, measly season ticket.
This travesty would not have occurred had I not grossly underestimated the cost to replace a shower in a meaningless bathroom in my dumb house. Or had I not developed a new obsession with listening to country western albums on vinyl. Shoutout to the Statler Brothers.
Oh, I also started piano lessons. Ms. Betty says I am progressing nicely and should have nailed the timing to “Jingle Bells” by early September. Piano lessons are much cheaper than Childhood Me remembers. Childhood Me had a lot of problems. Childhood Me was not a good guy.
Anyways, inflation may be nuts, but piano lessons have more or less resisted the urge to skyrocket. So, while this may not be the root cause of my financial woes, I do feel that it is contributing to my inability to drive to Oxford every Saturday and attend Ole Miss games.
The Only Man in the Stands has turned into the Only Man on His Couch. The couch, by the way, has two working legs, because I broke the others when I sat down too fast. We live in wild times. Wild.
Scaling the Rebels’ 2023 Season
The Rebels will not win more than seven games. I have put together a searing analysis of each game replete with a score prediction from my Predictive Analysis Model (PAM) to demonstrate why this UNDER wager will hit.
In the spirit of my musical prowess, I will relate every Ole Miss game to a song I have mastered on the keys.
Mercer @ Ole Miss, September 2nd, 1:00 pm CST
This is the annual game in early September in Oxford that means nothing and will be unbearable to watch under a violent, Mississippi sun. Everyone attending the game will be covered in sweat by the end of the first quarter. Nobody will be sober. If you forget your sunglasses, you will have to squint to watch Jaxson Dart overthrow a tight end who ran the wrong route.
It is a miserable way to spend a Saturday afternoon. I will be wasting it alone, on my broken couch, as I practice the notes to “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen.” I hate that song and I hate this game.
Prediction: Ole Miss 34 – Mercer 13
Ole Miss @ Tulane, September 9th, 2:30 pm CST
Let’s go to New Orleans and play a team that runs the triple option during hurricane season. Great idea, idiots.
When I lived in New Orleans, we had a thunderstorm so aggressive that lightning reached from the sky and exploded our A/C unit. A stray cat sprung from the attic where the A/C unit sat. Smoke curled into the afternoon rain. I spent the rest of the month without central air.
Ole Miss is not ready for a Green Wave team that proved to be dangerous in key games last year. The only thing worse than this game is trying to learn “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” with my stupid fingers flubbing the b sharp.
No matter! Ole Miss is a team in a power five conference. They will win, but they will not deserve it.
Prediction: Ole Miss 18 – Tulane 13
Georgia Tech @ Ole Miss, September 16th, 6:30 pm CST
After an embarrassing loss in Atlanta to the Rebels last year, the Ramblin’ Wreck travel to Oxford for round two. I know nothing about this Tech squad, but surely Ole Miss can’t lose to a lowly ACC roster trapped in the doldrums of an inferior conference. Or can they?
Nobody will attend this game. Ole Miss will win by 40 and Lane Kiffin will complain about the lack of enthusiasm surrounding his perennially mediocre football team.
This game is most like when I sit down at the keys to play a song and end up practicing scales because I’m so bored. Enjoy.
Prediction: Ole Miss 44 – Georgia Tech 23
Ole Miss @ Alabama, September 23rd, TBD
Beethoven’s father may have been an alcoholic, but he was committed to musical excellence. He would come home drunk in the middle of the night, wake up Little Ludgwig Van, and force the child prodigy to practice piano until his fingers bled.
That’s what it’s like playing Alabama every year.
Prediction: Alabama 75 – Ole Miss 4
LSU @ Ole Miss, September 30th, TBD
I love when LSU comes to Oxford. They drink grain liquor and eat muffalettas for breakfast. They also hate Ole Miss. We pose no threat to the sometimes-powerhouse known as LSU, and yet they do not enjoy the Oxford air of Southern superiority.
The Rebels took a beat down in Baton Rouge last year in a must-win game. Ole Miss wasn’t prepared or focused and it showed. Still, Ole Miss tends to trade wins and losses with the Tigers, so I’m fairly confident in this one.
Prediction: Ole Miss 28 – LSU 27
Arkansas @ Ole Miss, October 7th, TBD
My predictive analysis model (PAM) has Ole Miss at 4-1 thus far this season. That’s great for Square Books, but bad for me. We need Ole Miss to start losing some games.
Arkansas is a very reliable opponent in October. When you start to get some confidence in your team, Arkansas swoops in to remind you that your team sucks.I don’t know if the Razorbacks will be any good this year, but I will not be standing in the middle of that stupid stadium to watch the Rebels blow another lead in OT to a team that turned it over six times in the first half.
I’m so mad just thinking about this game that I can’t even pick a song.
Prediction: Arkansas 54 – Ole Miss 53, 3OT
Ole Miss @ Auburn, October 21st, TBD
This is the Auburn Acquaintance Rule. If you have made more than two acquaintances over the last year who say they attended Auburn, then you will lose to Auburn.
This is so their obnoxious fan base with names in your phone like “Dan from the bar” can populate in your text threads at midnight. (Note: these people do NOT have to hold a degree from Auburn. In fact, many of them do not even have a driver’s license). So far, my acquaintance count for 2023 is up to 11. We’re going to get smoked.
Afterwards, you’ll have to take a shower and listen to “Rise and Shine” just to get the filth off.
Prediction: Auburn 45 – Ole Miss 31
Vanderbilt @ Ole Miss, October 28th, TBD
I’m very much looking forward to almost blowing a game against a team that even the PAC-12 might look askance. I’ve been an Ole Miss fan for too long and I have stared into the abyss. I’ve spoken to it, shouted, even. And, when the abyss stares back, it whispers, softly, sweetly, you will lose to Vanderbilt. Hopefully not this year.
I can’t play Patsy Cline’s “Crazy,” but, if I could, the doctors in Nashville would be in for a treat.
Prediction: Vanderbilt 9 – Ole Miss 12
Texas A&M @ Ole Miss, November 4th, TBD
After you almost lose to Vanderbilt, there’s no better get-back game than against Jimbo Fisher and the hapless Aggies. Everyone wants to play TAMU after an underwhelming win against a school known for being a thirty minute drive from the Grand Ole Opry.
I plan to be at this game, in the Aggie locker room, doing my best Leonard Cohen impression.
Prediction: Texas A&M 13 – Ole Miss 38
Ole Miss @ UGA, November 11th, TBD
I’d rather stick my head in the oven with the lasagna than watch Ole Miss lose to UGA in Athens.
Prediction: HA HA HA HA HA HA
LA-Monroe @ Ole Miss, November 18th, TBD
How many teams from Louisiana are we going to play? Lane Kiffin is going to have to file income tax in the Pelican State next year.
Prediction: LA-Monroe 14 – Ole Miss 28
Ole Miss @ Mississippi State, November 23rd, TBD
Well, here we are. My predictive analysis model (PAM) puts the Rebels squarely at seven wins before they travel to Starkvegas to play the Bulldogs and share the wonders of indoor plumbing with the local yokels.
I worry we will win this game and ruin my ticket. But I have to believe Ole Miss will deliver yet again and go UNDER their wins total. Who’s ready for the FTX bowl?